The route the journey takes is never really about the circumstances. It’s a pathway made to restore the broken places of the mind. It is after all the place where our beliefs are found. Life’s events seem to become an expose’ of that which lays hidden in their crevices. Much has been exposed in these last years. Much is being made new.
For years David could not relate what he was feeling to me. His emotions had been hidden some place deep inside. The Father has been awakening though, unwrapping the bindings that have covered his being. As a result, a doorway has been opening giving voice to things that needed to have their say .
He said the words this time, I heard him, yet I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around them. “I need space to use my brain regardless of the outcome.” I have to figure it out when it comes to sticking to something.” “If you are in the background “reminding me” I won’t grow.”
It had been a natural progression for us, you see. After all we’d set things up to work this way. An early death of a father left a young boy with a strong mother taking care of too much due to her need to find stability. A young girl looking for validation through her abilities took care of things for others, hoping to be needed and wanted. These were the trails we had walked as we entered into this covenant of marriage. They fit well, it seemed. Though life ,with its twists and turns, usually tells the true story. It never really worked we just didn’t have eyes to see, that is until his words found their way out.
They hit like an arrow straight into the bull’s-eye as I heard them for the first time. Had I really stunted his growth all this time? How does one reconcile the years when the ways of the flesh are exposed before you? To dwell on what has been will only cause me to wrap up in a cloak of shame. I couldn’t go there. Yet someplace in this pile of mess I had to see it for what it was. My choices hurt him, a lot.
What did it look like to live what he needed? It was a simple request for him, a complex one for me. After all I’d lived this way for as long as he had known me. Yet I need him to have what he needs. I long to set him free to run with all that is in him. I want him to feel the fullness of the man who dwells inside his outer shell.
I find myself before the One who made me, once again desperate for His revelations. Trust opens a doorway for me to find my resting place in He who breathes the breath of life. He knows how to bring me into the new paths of life.
Somehow amidst the pain and sadness I feel the goodness of it all. I want to live in this new place. It is enough. The mustard seed in my hands is placed in His knowing He will take it to move mountains in, me. For this God that I love with all my being, is the resurrection and the life.
What about you? What hidden things are you seeing these days? What is your mustard seed for?