Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the feelings that force their way in. Today was one of those days. It’s my youngest girl’s birthday. She has faced one disappointment after another as trusted friends canceled just hours before her sleep over. Why do people do that anyways?
How does one reconcile the anger that settles into their being as they witness people’s choices affecting their child? How does one look beyond the behavior and give grace? I wanted to smack some people around and tell them a thing or two. Didn’t they not know the message that lay hidden in their actions speaking straight into the mind of my child? No, I’m sure they didn’t. I’m sure there was never an intent to hurt.
I saw it on her face, though as the last phone call came through. I felt so helpless. I wanted to grab her up and kiss her heart’s boo-boo’s away. If I could just get her to believe me maybe she wouldn’t listen to the voices shouting loud and clear into the crevices of her mind. Maybe she would see what I see. She is a person of great value, worth celebrating, beautiful inside and out. Would she believe me if I told her?
I wanted to shout to her until she did… “Believe me, Lydia.” “You are a person of great value.” “You are worth celebrating.” I longed for her to know the truth. I wanted with every fiber of my being for her to turn away from the lurking lies to hear my voice above the noise around her. Yet all I could do was speak. She had to choose what she would receive.
Out of no where it hit me. In an instant I was made aware of His presence as He came near. I knew I was walking on holy ground. God was shouting so loudly into my ears that I could not turn away. He wanted me to know that what I feel for my girl, He feels even greater for me. “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you,” He says. (Isaiah 66:13). Do I even get that? Really?
For many years of this life, God has been out there somewhere, watching over everything that goes on in the world. The view from where I stood was one of fear that I might just make the wrong step. He was presented as One who was serious about sin, watching my every move. You know, kinda like Santa Claus. “You better watch out, your better not pout, you better not cry I’m telling you why… Santa Claus is coming to town.” “He knows when you’ve been sleeping, He knows when you’re awake.” “He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”
I wanted to be good… for goodness sake. I was afraid to approach Him, fearful of being a disappointment at best. Convinced that when bad things happened I was being punished for my bad behavior. I was getting what I deserved, after all you reap what you sow, right. If I’d only been better.
I didn’t really know the God of my heart. I could not see the tenderness with which He cared for me. So many things were so deeply distorted.
The revelations that come to me these days leave me undone. This beautiful God that I am coming to know is revealing the truth of His heart toward me one picture at a time. He is not who I thought He was, He’s more, so much more.
As a mother comforts her child He comforts me. He is the mother cub who watches over me, seeing the travesty of things gone wrong. He doesn’t like it, for He sees the messages that try to plant their way in my mind. He wants me to know what’s real and true. He longs for me to hear His voice loudest of all.
His heart aches as He watches, hoping that I will receive what He has come to say. He runs to me, shouting the truth, wanting so desperately to pull me away from the voices that seek to kill, steal and destroy. He wants to kiss the pain away and soothe me with the truth of who He knows me to be. It’s astounding to consider…
These longings that fill my heart for my own dear child are but a reflection of His, for me.
©copyrighted: 2011, Julie L. Todd