The call came through at 5:00AM. I didn’t hesitate to answer. “Momma, I just got sick.” “My chest hurts, and I am having trouble breathing.” “I think it’s something I ate.” “I’ve been really sick.”
It was my newly married son.
It had been days since I had heard from him. It was the middle of the night when I was fast asleep.. He’s not one to call up and talk on the phone, just to chat. He calls me when he needs me, whether to help him find an insurance policy or just to ask for my help. He doesn’t consider whether he’s met the relationship criteria. He calls because he knows he is mine and I am his.
I don’t keep track of how many times he’s spoken to me. I don’t care! I am not disappointed when days have gone by. He’s my son. The moment I hear his voice I am there.
When that phone rang it didn’t make one difference whatsoever that I had not heard from him for those days that had passed. What mattered was that my son was in need. I would have dropped everything to be with him.
He kept apologizing for bothering me. I reassured him that he was my boy and would never bother me. No matter what time of day he needed me I was there as I loved him in the depths of my being. He knew it was true. He thanked me.
I went back to sleep but each time I woke I wondered, “was my boy OK?” By morning I got the reassurance that he was on the mend. In those hours I waited, he never left my mind. It had absolutely nothing to do with how much he pursued me. It had everything to do with the very fact that he is woven into the very fiber of my being. He has a part of me in him.
Why is it that I have had such difficulty connecting these dots with God? Surely if this is my heart towards my son, it is the heart of the Father that beats towards me.
I try to put myself in the shoes of people who walked in times past from time to time. It seems to help me connect more deeply with the God who is the same yesterday, today and forever. Were they encumbered with all the “have-to’s” I’ve been encumbered with? Was it simpler when all they had were the eye witnesses of the death and resurrection. The Jews had the Torah passed down from one generation to another but what about the Gentiles? What guided them on their journey? Did they rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal all things like I am learning to do?
The more I move away from the rules and regulations the more I realize how much they have weighed me down. I’m tired of hearing what’s wrong with me, what I need to do better. Who said I had to do all the things I thought I had to do anyways? I hear the words spoken by a Bible teacher in the years of my youth, “If you want to put God first you must have a quiet time, preferably early in the morning.” I took it hook, line and sinker. I strived to prove that God was first. But who said that? Was it God? How could it be?
As I walk in this new season of emptiness I find myself in a place where things are being seen for what they are. I have felt naked and ashamed in my lack of “doing” all the “how-to’s”. After all the good Christian “does”. All the while the light is shining into the cracks of this struggle between law and grace. Instead I find myself thinking, isn’t it enough to be His?
I consider it all as I remember the phone call in the wee hours of the morning. I didn’t answer the phone because my son had filled the criteria to have my attention. I answered because he is one of the great loves of my life. He is my child, my heir. Everything I have is his. All of me is at his disposal regardless of what he brings to the table.
In the simplicity of life, where things are being removed and emptied from me , I am reminded once again. I am His child, His heir. He is there for me regardless of what I bring to the table. For He is woven into the fiber of my being.
I am His and He is mine. It’s all that is required.
My reality is coming to light. It is enough to just “be”, His.
“At that moment you will know absolutely that I’m in my Father, and you’re in me, and I’m in you.” John 14:20 (The Message)
©copyrighted: Julie L. Todd; 2012