The Way of the Wounded Heart©

Words have been silent here in these weeks past, yet God has not stopped doing what only He can do.  He continues to reconcile things from days gone by.  Places of resentment that I’ve not known of have been rising up to be seen.

I’ve been reading “The Cure” these past few weeks.  One particular quote started a domino effect in me.  ”The question is how do I know I’ve actually forgiven someone who has sinned against me?”  ”Answer:  the moment I can offer that person my love again.”**  I knew it as soon as I read it.  Something was amiss in my forgiveness.  I did not really want to offer certain people love again.

Feeling the weight of it all I gathered up my things to draw away. What was the missing link?  Where had my choices gone wrong?  I had written pages in my journal trying to do the right thing.  Why had it not worked?

I had been hurt, deeply by the sins of others.   No matter how much I wanted to be free I didn’t seem to be able to reconcile it all.  I had done what I had known to do, willing myself to forgive.  Yet here I was bankrupt, feeling the weight of pain as if it all had happened yesterday.  Why did I still feel so bound by another’s sins I wondered.

“Paint a picture for me, sweet Jesus,” I asked.

Immediately I saw a woman holding multiple pages of a bank statement, each filled with one entry after another.  There were many withdrawals, yet not so many deposits.  The account appeared to be bankrupt.  I saw the woman begin to fold them up.  She walked down to the river where a man sat on a bench.  She handed the statements to him and said. “Can you reconcile all this?”

It was then I heard His words as they invaded my thoughts.

“You don’t have the ability to replenish what was stolen from you.” “You don’t do magic by willing yourself to forgive someone.” “Release comes when you bring it all to me.”  ”I am the only person who can exchange what they have done to you for mercy and grace.”  ”I am the only one who can reconcile the wrong done to you.”  ”I make all things work together for your good.”  ”You have no ability to do that.”

I began to consider all the times I had been told that all I had to do was will it to be.  Choose forgiveness I was told.  It is the right thing to do after all.  I hadn’t really understood what this meant.  Somehow I thought in my willing to choose something magical would happen.

“It’s not your choice to forgive that does the work.”  ”It’s your choice to come to me entrusting me with what has been done to you.” “In the moment that you leave it in my hands and walk away, that’s forgiveness.” “It is in the letting go that your captive heart finds release.”"The wrongs done against you are taken out of your hands and placed in mine.” “You say to me, “Jesus, I can’t carry this anymore.”  ”I need you.” “Please reconcile this wrong.” “Please heal my pain.”

“I work forgiveness…..”  ”I work reconciliation.”  ”You have made it about your will to choose.” “That’s not it.” “It’s my work to forgive.” “I am the Mediator.”  ”I am the Restorer.” “I am the Forgiver of sins.” “When you show up to deposit it all in me you allow my work to begin in you.”

“You’ve been told to choose it.”  ”You don’t choose forgiveness, you choose to let go to me.” “It’s an exchange, Jewel, from your hands to mine, so that I might do the supernatural work of restoration.”

“I entrusted myself to Him who judges justly.”  ”I let God be the caretaker of the wrongs done to me.”  ”That’s what you do.” “Forgiveness is saying, “Jesus I’ve been hurt.”  ”Sin has cost me.”  ”I’m bringing it to you, for you have covered all sin.”  ”I’m trusting you with it and with me.” “Let God be the caretaker of the wrongs done to you, Jewel.”  ”Let Him make all things new.”  ”It’s not your work.” “It’s mine.

“Sin is costly, you cannot ever reconcile that.”  ”It’s what I do.”  ”It’s what I’ve done.” “Sin has a sting to it.”  ”I apply the balm to the sting to heal.” “It does not dismiss the wrongs done to you.” “It acknowledges their damage by bringing them to me to reconcile.” “You entrust it to my care for me to do my thing.”

All these years I’ve been willing something that cannot be willed.  It must be carried to the One who absolves the effects of sins.  He is the Way, the Truth, the Life.  He beckons me to come unto Him weary and heavy laden offering to me rest as He takes that which burdens my heart upon Himself.  He offers His yoke to me which is easy and His burden, which is light.  It is the way of the wounded heart.  It is the road to freedom and life.

**(The Cure: by John Lynch, Bill Thrall and Bruce McNichol)

©copyrighted:  Julie L. Todd 2012

The favor of God….©

With a hand on our shoulders the man looked into our eyes and said, “I see God’s favor on you.”  ”Ask Him what that means.”  I had a sense that it didn’t mean what I thought, but quite honestly I was a bit confused.  Today, years later, that conversation played again in my mind.

To look at the outside of our lives you would probably not consider us to be favored.  The truth is many would wonder if we are even following God.  The path we are on doesn’t look much like it.  Nine months without work makes us look directionless.  Would anyone think God’s hand is upon us?  I doubt it.

People all around us are getting things easily while we wait.  It leaves me with the question.  What does it mean to have His favor on me? Is it about life working out as anticipated with ease, open doors, answered prayers, desires being fulfilled?

As I look at the lives of the ancients I see.  Things didn’t often go smoothly.  Joseph was sold as a slave, falsely accused, and imprisoned in a foreign country.  David hid in caves, fearing for his life after he was anointed king.  Did he wonder if he would ever become king?  Did he feel favored while holed up in a dark, cold cave?

The angel told Mary she was highly favored but would anyone have called her favored once they looked into her journey?

A virgin, waiting for her wedding becomes pregnant.  Having never been with a man, her only excuse is that the Spirit of God made her so.  Did people believe her?  Was she ridiculed, and falsely accused?   Was she shunned?

Great with child she was forced to travel on a donkey to Bethlehem to fulfill the census.   The timing couldn’t have been worse.  Was she experiencing labor pains while riding along? Did she realize it was all to fulfill the prophecy foretold years before?  Did she feel the favor of God then, I wonder?

Arriving in Bethlehem, the time of birth upon them, there was no bed to be found.  She was offered a pile of hay in a stable filled with the stench of manure and animals.  Did she feel provided for?

The baby was born, the angels declared the glory while the shepherds visited.   Life began for their family of 3 in the humble means of a carpenter.  No wealth for the King of Kings.  Did they struggle to make ends meet?

As life settled down an angel appeared to tell them that the king was out to kill their son.  Thousands of babies were murdered as they ran in the dark of night to a foreign country.  Did she feel responsible?  Was she afraid?  Did she fear for their lives?  Did she constantly look back to see if anyone was following them?  What was life like in their new country?  Did she fear walking out into the light of day?  Did she feel alone?  Did she wonder how the next meal would show up?

This one so highly favored watched her first-born be subjected to the most horrendous of circumstances.  Her innocent son falsely accused was beaten mercilessly right before her eyes.   She watched as the nails were driven into the hands and feet of her beloved boy.  She watched her baby suffer and die at the hands of those who cursed him. Yet she was highly favored.

I haven’t understood the favor of God.  I’ve often felt cursed and forgotten when the road didn’t turn in the direction I thought it would.

I am learning to look through different eyes these days.

It’s what happens on the inside of me during the times of uncertainty that tells the story.  Favor is not found when all my dreams come true.  Favor is the extravagant heart of God that moves heaven and earth to rescue me from the dark things that lurk in the crevices of my mind.  Lies become exposed so that truth may be known.

It is the place where He reveals the benevolence of love that does not stop until I know the truth of His heart.   Amidst a life of unpredictability I find myself discovering that He truly is enough.  It is the growing pains of faith being stretched to new measures.

No, many would not want to walk through the circumstances I have walked.  But maybe, just maybe if they took a look inside they would see the beauty of restoration that has made it all worth the while.

For there is a God who out of bountiful love pursues me until all that is broken finds its healing.  He turns ashes into beauty while replacing garments of heaviness for praise.  He adorns me with the robe of righteousness even on my worst day.  In the uncertainties of life I find myself becoming a radiant jewel in His hands.   I am beginning to understand the favor of God.

©copyrighted:  2011, Julie L. Todd

Will The Real Julie Please Stand Up?

It was the first time in my life I had ever experienced anything like it.  I used to be embarrassed to tell anyone that my birthday was coming.  I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable.  I didn’t want anyone to feel like they had to do something for me.  Most of the time I said nothing.

This year was different.  I was telling everyone about my upcoming birthday.  For the first time in my life I was celebrating ME.  I realized the great healing God had done. For not too long ago I was ashamed of who I was.  I believed I was a curse to the earth and to those who had to be in my family.

The most prominent words in my head for most of my life were “you are a problem who creates problems.”  I hated that.  I wanted it desperately to not be true.  I didn’t know who I was.  I knew what life had told me.  Will the real Julie please stand up?

As a child I loved watching the TV show, “To Tell The Truth”.  Three people sat before the panel.  Two were impostors, one was the real deal.  The panel would ask questions trying to guess which one was authentic. Sometimes they were able to fool the panel, other times they were not.  At the end of the questioning, the votes were tallied.  The announcer would then say, “Would the real Bill Smith please stand up?”  After a few minutes of deliberation as the impostors acted as if they were getting up, the real Bill would stand. The imitators were then exposed for who they were.

I lived my life trying to pretend I was something I was not… until one day…..

I heard the pastor’s invitation. “Take a journey into your soul”.  ”Walk back into the archives and look for the true person dwelling inside.”  He spoke of the effects of life, of how there were two stories written on our lives.  One was the story satan had written.  The other was the story of God.  Which one were we living under?  One would take us away from our true identity, the other would take us into it.  Would we take the journey back?  He asked God to take those willing to go back into the original story of life as it had been planned.  He prayed that we would have dreams, visions and revelations.

It was the beginning of the end for me.

That next week I had a dream.  I was in a car with a young girl.  I was headed to New York with a stop in Washington DC.  I realized I was headed the wrong way so I turned back and headed south.  I took my checkbook but I had no money.  I knew the dream was significant.  I sat with God to ask Him what it all meant.

Washington, DC represents history.  New York represents new beginnings.  The checkbook revealed that I was willing to pay the cost to find my true life even though it felt like a risk.  Having no money was a revelation that I was empty of my own resources.  I could not pay my own way.  The child was me.  His words washed over me.  ”Beauty restored.” “What was lost the destroyer tried to take.”  ”But I am restoring you.”

It has been His way in me these last seven years.

The end of my resources was the beginning of life.  I could no longer strive.  It placed me on a road of new beginnings.  Without striving I became open to receive all that He would give.  The journey took me back into the archives of my history, allowing God to replace what I had believed with the truth of what He knew.  He revealed me as I was meant to be.

I saw that He was no longer the God of rules and regulations.  He was now the God of rescue and love.  He had known who I was all along.  My world opened as He became real to me in ways I had not known.

This past Tuesday, I was excited to tell of the day I was born.  I knew His delight of me.   Together we celebrated ME.

Beauty is rising out of the ashes of my life as God continues to make all things new.  This once broken-hearted woman is finding her true soul.  It is the story of God.  It is the story of me.  It is the story of us.  Will the really Julie please stand up?  She is.

©copyrighted: 2012, julie l. todd

Relentlessly He Runs©

It has been several years now yet the memory still lingers in the back of my mind as if it were yesterday.  I can see his face, feel the shock, the frantic search, the reunion which placed his hand back in mine.

We were at the beach with our extended family.  We had finished dinner out and decided we would walk around the quaint town.  We were quite the crowd; children paired up with cousins, siblings interspersed throughout the assembly of adults.  I began to look around to do my usual child check.  Which of mine were with which adult?  One by one they were accounted for, that is until I called out his name.  No one had Samuel.

Panic doesn’t describe the moment of my discovery.  As the thoughts inundated my mind the world around me came crashing down.  Could someone have stolen my son? Where could he be?  He was only a small child.  What had happened to him, how was he not with us?  We all walked out of the restaurant together.  How could this have happened?

I don’t know that I have ever run as fast as I did that day.  I tried to remain calm as the fears crashed into my world.  I prayed that somehow, someway he was safe.  I hoped that in this little town no one could steal him.  I’m not sure I will ever forget that day.  I haven’t yet.

As we reached the parking lot we saw him.  He was standing beside our car, waiting to get in.  How does one relate the feelings of euphoria of finding one who was lost but is now found?  I’m not sure there are words in the vocabulary that do them justice.

Samuel had been lost from me.  Yet I had found him untouched, safe and sound.

I should have known that’s where he would be.  After all he was the child who went to the car without being told when it was time to go.  It wasn’t uncommon to find him sitting in his car seat, buckled in, ready.  It would have been the same this time had the car not been locked.  He had waited patiently for the rest of us to show up and unlock the doors. Somehow he had missed the crowd walking towards the middle of town.  He didn’t know he was lost. He thought he was in the right place at the right time.

I knew he wasn’t, so I ran.

My life resembles this in so many ways.  Sometimes I don’t know that I’m not in the right place, yet God knows. He sees what I am believing.  He runs to get to me, grabs my hand and pulls me back into that place where I have always belonged, to the truth of who I am.

He exposes the religious expectations for what they are.  He shines His light into the crevices of my mind exposing the lies of what I have been told and believed about myself. He tells me who He is and who He knows me to be.  When I am not where I was made to be, He comes to rescue me.

Samuel did nothing to be rescued that day.  He stood by waiting.  I came to bring him back.  I ran to him.  He took my hand and followed me.  We walked the path together.

I used to think it is I who ran to God, but the truth is I am beginning to see it is He who runs to me.  After all I love because He loved me first.

God runs to get to me every time I am not where I was made to be.  I am the Beloved of the Lord.  Until I grasp that, He will not relent.  It’s not just for salvation.  It’s more than that.  He constantly runs to me inviting me to live in the new identity that Jesus bestowed on me. I’m still learning what that looks like as He and I walk this together life.

His right hand extends to grab hold of mine..  In those moments I am made aware.  My God runs to me, relentlessly He runs.

©copyrighted 2011, Julie L. Todd

 

 

The whispers of God©

There are moments when everyone is sleeping here. Silence permeates the walls that hold up this house.  Normal, previously unnoticed sounds become prominent in my ears. Their magnification in the quiet makes me aware of their existence.  How often do I tune them out, I wonder?

I often look for God to come in the fanfare of life, yet most often His voice becomes most prominent in the quiet moments.  It’s easy to lose sight of that especially with the activities that abound around me.  Until it all becomes too much driving me to run for my life to a solitary place where He is found waiting.

Elijah understood that.  Life had brought him to desperate places.  Seems Jezebel had gotten wind of his activities and was not at all pleased.  She vowed to kill him within 24 hours.  He ran for his life ending up next to a broom’s bush in the wilderness asking God to just go ahead and let him die.  He had had enough.

An angel visited him bringing food for him to eat.  He ate, drank and went back to sleep. The angel brought food a second time, this time telling him to eat for the journey had been long and hard.   Elijah ate and was strengthened to embark upon a path that would take him forty days to Horeb, the mountain of God.  Desperate and feeling very alone, depressed to the point of wanting life to end, Elijah entered a cave on the mountain.  In the quiet of the cave, the word of the God came to him.  ”Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

A great and powerful wind tore through the mountain but God was not in the wind.  After the wind came an earthquake but God was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire but God was not in the fire.  After the fire came a gentle whisper, it was then the voice magnified in Elijah’s ears.  In that moment he regained new strength to carry on.

The desperate, empty places awaken my desperate need for Him to come for me.  It’s why I found myself sitting in the early hours of the morning.

Life’s been pretty intense here.  I guess that’s to be expected when you enter the work force after 24 years.  Especially in a doctor’s office where the wrong decision can cost a patient.  I found myself wondering what this life was all about, anyways.

Like Elijah I let it rip.

“God, I am surprised at where I am and what I am doing.  I would never in a million years have thought I would be where I am.  For this time, this season I am appointed at that office.  I don’t know what you are up to and how it will all work out.  We have needs that must be met.  I have no clue how that will happen, yet I trust you.  It’s what keeps me going.”

“I sit here in the quiet listening.  I want your glory to pass before me.  I want to hear you in the gentle breeze.”

“In some ways it feels like the days before Christmas.  There’s an anticipation of the gifts that will be opened, shared and received.  I feel that expectancy here, God.  We are ripe to accept what you have to give.  It gives me comfort to know I cannot figure it all out.  It’s up to you.  There’s something in that realization that brings a sense of relief. It’s up to you, now.  I feel the winds of change coming. Where will they take us, I wonder?”

In the quiet His whispers met my heart.

“You are mine and I am yours, don’t forget that.” “It matters.”  ”Know that I could never leave you or forsake you.”  ”For we are woven together as one.”  ”We are one flesh.”  ”You have all of me.”  ”You are as much a part of me as I am of you.”  ”We can never be separated.” “We are glued together.”  ”Where you go, I go.”  ”Stay alive.”  ”Don’t give up hope.” “I will never abandon you.”  ”You matter to me greatly.”  ”Don’t forget I moved heaven and earth to come for you.”  ”I will never, ever let you go.”  ”Your needs are ever before me.”  ”I am fully aware of each one.”  ”I will meet you there.”  ”Wait for me.” “Look for the gentle whispers of life.”  ”I am there, always there.”

The voice of God passed before me, reviving my soul, renewing my strength.  I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.  It is enough.  I am up walking waiting to see where this path will take me, knowing fully well that I do not go alone.

©copyrighted:  Julie L. Todd, 2011

 

 

 

 

The house that crumbled ©

There was a man who built his house upon the sand.  When the rains came and the winds blew, the house came tumbling down.  Another man built his house upon the rock.  When the storms hit, his house stood strong.  I heard the story as a child. I thought it was about salvation only.  As my eyes are being opened to true grace, I am seeing through different lenses now.

The story of my life goes something like this….

I used to take care of everything.  It was easier that way.  I tried to make myself acceptable. I didn’t want to burden anyone. I worked hard to be righteous, crossing my religious t’s and dotting my i’s. I wanted to be pleasing.  I wanted to be the best dead in Christ.  Self-effort and control were my constant companions. I didn’t realize they were enemies of grace.

The storms came….. my house crumbled.  I discovered something.

The house built on the sand is a life built on religious striving, the old man dressed up. The house built on the rock is the life of Christ lived in me, the new nature put on.

I had built my life on a faulty foundation.  I was living in an accessorized, religious flesh trying to do and be better.

There’s a fine line that can be crossed in this Christian world.  Too much emphasis was put on behavior in the circles I traveled. When the winds of hard times came, things began to fall apart.  The questions found their way up.

I had embraced theologies that told me I must have done something to deserve what was happening. It must be some sin or disobedience.  I wanted to fix whatever I had done to get out of the mess.

Humans are predictable people with inconsistent lives.  It’s easy to look at what is happening and make evaluations.  I didn’t know how to look at the nature of the One who breathed the world into existence.  I assessed things wrongly.

I attributed God to the things I saw, felt and didn’t understand.  I tried to make sense of it all and couldn’t.  I struggled to trust in His nature because I was so prone to look at His behavior. I made God like me.  I thought He looked at things the way I did..

His nature has been misrepresented since the serpent approached the two in the garden. It’s why Jesus came you know….  He came to show me the true heart of the Father, to restore His name, His heart.  What He lived with the Father is my reality.

He formed the world with a word.  Nothing was left untouched or unthought of.  Everything necessary for life was given.  Beauty for my eyes to behold, foods that delight the tongue, warmth from the sunshine, melodies that awaken the ears.  Why would He go to so much trouble to prepare the earth for my existence and then abandon me in my darkest hours?

His nature has been the same since before the world began.  It will never change. Never. He whispers words of love. He paints pictures in the skies.  All creation shouts of His glory. He is the most consistent person I will ever know.  He is the same yesterday, today, forever.

Circumstances will never dictate His nature.  They expose the footing on which my house is built.  They bring to light who I depend on, who I trust, what I believe. He allows the house on the sand to crumble for it is the only way to be rescued from a foundation that will never hold tight.  He is the great lover of my soul.  He moved heaven and earth to come for me.  He comes even still, every day.

Life is full of ripening moments of rescue.  He walks out on the waters of stormy seas to get in the boat with me, speaking out to say “peace, be still”..  If He tarries it is because the perfect work is being completed.

I wouldn’t trade what He’s done in my life for anything.  The winds came, the rain fell, the house built on the sand of my religious efforts crumbled….and it was good.

A new foundation began.  This time it is His to frame.  No one builds quite like Jesus.  He was a carpenter for many years you know.

He and I are interwoven together as one.  I wait in expectancy to see what is on the horizon for me. He has walked into the storms to save me.  I place all my weight in His Sovereignty, knowing, though He is unpredictable in what He does.  He is the same today, tomorrow, and forever.

©copyrighted: 2011, Julie L. Todd

*I am attaching two-part video that have a beautiful revelation of God’s heart.

Safe in Papa’s Arms©

Dear friends meet my grand girl.  She was born Sept. 20th at 8:05AM after a long, hard labor.  Her name is Aviah (God is my Father) Eden (Delight)… She is absolutely beautiful. We are in love.

A picture is worth a thousand words.  This one shouts to places down deep in my soul. “Papa” (my husband) is holding Avi.  He holds her close to his chest, making sure that she is safe and secure. She has no fear, or worries.  There is nothing to be anxious about. She pays no mind to the struggles or cares of the world. She has fought through much to be here.  She has come to this place to be held by strong arms that care deeply for her, so deeply that they would lay down their life to protect her.   In the stillness she rests for she is aware that she is being held safe in her Papa’s arms.

It is where the rubber meets the road in the world with my own Papa God.  His arms hold me tight, so tight that nothing can take me down.  Anything that might attempt to will meet up with Him.  He will move heaven and earth to keep me safe in His embrace.  He lays down His life for my own.  He holds me close to His chest, his heart beat soothing the worries and cares of this world.

I am His delight, just as sweet Avi is David’s.  One day she will know it full well.  But for now she rests, just being held letting life unfold before her.

This is the sweet spot in this walk with my God.  It’s where the cares and worries of this world lose their power to steal my joy.  It’s the “be still and know I am God” place where He becomes the strength in my weakness.

The more I am held, the more I am aware of how truly He carries me.  I want to be like my sweet grand girl.   I want to be carried by God alone. I want to rest in the stillness of His embrace, knowing the sheer delight that fills His soul…  I am loved…deeply loved

©copyrighted: 2011, Julie L. Todd