Words have been silent here in these weeks past, yet God has not stopped doing what only He can do. He continues to reconcile things from days gone by. Places of resentment that I’ve not known of have been rising up to be seen.
I’ve been reading “The Cure” these past few weeks. One particular quote started a domino effect in me. “The question is how do I know I’ve actually forgiven someone who has sinned against me?” “Answer: the moment I can offer that person my love again.”** I knew it as soon as I read it. Something was amiss in my forgiveness. I did not really want to offer certain people love again.
Feeling the weight of it all I gathered up my things to draw away. What was the missing link? Where had my choices gone wrong? I had written pages in my journal trying to do the right thing. Why had it not worked?
I had been hurt, deeply by the sins of others. No matter how much I wanted to be free I didn’t seem to be able to reconcile it all. I had done what I had known to do, willing myself to forgive. Yet here I was bankrupt, feeling the weight of pain as if it all had happened yesterday. Why did I still feel so bound by another’s sins I wondered.
“Paint a picture for me, sweet Jesus,” I asked.
Immediately I saw a woman holding multiple pages of a bank statement, each filled with one entry after another. There were many withdrawals, yet not so many deposits. The account appeared to be bankrupt. I saw the woman begin to fold them up. She walked down to the river where a man sat on a bench. She handed the statements to him and said. “Can you reconcile all this?”
It was then I heard His words as they invaded my thoughts.
“You don’t have the ability to replenish what was stolen from you.” “You don’t do magic by willing yourself to forgive someone.” “Release comes when you bring it all to me.” “I am the only person who can exchange what they have done to you for mercy and grace.” “I am the only one who can reconcile the wrong done to you.” “I make all things work together for your good.” “You have no ability to do that.”
I began to consider all the times I had been told that all I had to do was will it to be. Choose forgiveness I was told. It is the right thing to do after all. I hadn’t really understood what this meant. Somehow I thought in my willing to choose something magical would happen.
“It’s not your choice to forgive that does the work.” “It’s your choice to come to me entrusting me with what has been done to you.” “In the moment that you leave it in my hands and walk away, that’s forgiveness.” “It is in the letting go that your captive heart finds release.””The wrongs done against you are taken out of your hands and placed in mine.” “You say to me, “Jesus, I can’t carry this anymore.” “I need you.” “Please reconcile this wrong.” “Please heal my pain.”
“I work forgiveness…..” “I work reconciliation.” “You have made it about your will to choose.” “That’s not it.” “It’s my work to forgive.” “I am the Mediator.” “I am the Restorer.” “I am the Forgiver of sins.” “When you show up to deposit it all in me you allow my work to begin in you.”
“You’ve been told to choose it.” “You don’t choose forgiveness, you choose to let go to me.” “It’s an exchange, Jewel, from your hands to mine, so that I might do the supernatural work of restoration.”
“I entrusted myself to Him who judges justly.” “I let God be the caretaker of the wrongs done to me.” “That’s what you do.” “Forgiveness is saying, “Jesus I’ve been hurt.” “Sin has cost me.” “I’m bringing it to you, for you have covered all sin.” “I’m trusting you with it and with me.” “Let God be the caretaker of the wrongs done to you, Jewel.” “Let Him make all things new.” “It’s not your work.” “It’s mine.
“Sin is costly, you cannot ever reconcile that.” “It’s what I do.” “It’s what I’ve done.” “Sin has a sting to it.” “I apply the balm to the sting to heal.” “It does not dismiss the wrongs done to you.” “It acknowledges their damage by bringing them to me to reconcile.” “You entrust it to my care for me to do my thing.”
All these years I’ve been willing something that cannot be willed. It must be carried to the One who absolves the effects of sins. He is the Way, the Truth, the Life. He beckons me to come unto Him weary and heavy laden offering to me rest as He takes that which burdens my heart upon Himself. He offers His yoke to me which is easy and His burden, which is light. It is the way of the wounded heart. It is the road to freedom and life.
**(The Cure: by John Lynch, Bill Thrall and Bruce McNichol)
©copyrighted: Julie L. Todd 2012
My Long and Winding Road 