The question was put before me. “How has not having to perform changed things for you?” I sat and contemplated what that really meant for me. It didn’t take me long to find the answer. In my religious days I was caught up in climbing the ladder of spirituality. The problem with that is that with each rung I surpassed, there was always another one waiting. No matter how much I did, there was always more to do. I fought hard to get there, in the process, I lost a part of me.
In my day to day life I tried to be who people would want me to be. If I was efficient and hard working, people would want me, and they did. Performing became the means to find acceptance. The problem is that it never got me what I longed for. Yes, I found success in my job because everyone loved an overachiever, but inside it just created a never ending demand.
When I began my journey to leave it all behind, I realized I didn’t have to perform to be loved. In the process I discovered that I could be my truest me.
What does that really mean, I was asked? What does it mean to be the truest me? It means learning to see the good of what God meant when He formed me in my mother’s womb to be who I am, before the world and it’s grading systems took over.
I’ve heard it said before that true belonging is when we belong to ourselves. It begins with looking at that negative belief and turning it into a positive perspective.
I remember several years ago hearing a message challenging me to ask God what He really thought about me. I took my pen, paper and headed out to the back porch to just sit with no distractions. I decided to list some things that I had believed about myself to be negative. One by one I asked Him about them.
“Why do I ask so many questions?” It’s something about me that seemed to be a problem. I wished I could just stop it because the last thing I wanted to do was annoy people. You can call me crazy, if you want, but I’m confident His voice spoke to the inner parts of me. So much so, it has stayed with me all these years later.
“I made you to question. I love that about you.” “You are inquisitive, you love to learn.”
In that moment something penetrated and changed inside me. For the first time I saw that it was good to be a questioner. I felt a new place open up within allowing me to belong just a little more to myself.
These negative thoughts have come and gone through the years, one by one allowing me to find the good, true story of belonging.
As I’ve said before, I have come to believe that there are two stories written on my life, one is the story the world has told me. I call that my shame story. Being the truest me is coming out of that shame story and embracing how uniquely I am put together, knowing that all of me is loved by all of Him.
There is something about a newborn baby that touches me. I welcomed my 8th grandchild recently. He is beautiful, innocent, deeply held and loved. His place is etched, profoundly, into his parents’ hearts. They could not love him more.
He was formed in his mother with no expectations or grading systems in place. It’s the best life, the one we were all made for without the world’s demands that hand us a pass or a fail. It’s the way life was meant to be without the systems that cover us and write stories of shame across our lives.
It’s possible to get back there, to that innocence of new life. I know because I’m finding my way back.
Shame did a number on me. It quieted who I was, keeping much of me hidden. I had no choice but to perform in hopes that somehow, someway I would be found good enough to be accepted. Achieving and striving became 2nd nature to me. No matter how much I did, it left more to be done.
What changed for me, I was asked? I became comfortable in my own skin when I let it all go. I found the love I had always wanted. It had been there all along. I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
Leaving performance behind means coming back home to the original place of just being me and knowing I am the best me there is. It’s taking the negative shame stories formed in my head and one by one parting ways with them, allowing the truth of who I am to wash over me.
My sweet grandson, Gabriel, rests in arms that hold him tight. He doesn’t do one thing to be lovable. He just is. It’s the innocence of love that is our truest reality, every single day.
The world demands, God gives. As I part ways with what the world has told me I find the love that God gives. Just like Gabriel, I am loved for who I am, not what I do.
What has leaving performance behind done for me? It’s allowed me to find a love that invites me to just be me. After all, I am the best me there is.
“Oh yes, you “ shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit.” Psalm 139 (The Message)
©copyrighted: 2019 Julie H Todd
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My Long and Winding Road 